Model Citizenship

I am going to tell this story in “real-time” for entertainment (likely more mine than yours). 

I am traveling south on the 73 toll road in the slow lane, doing about 65 mph and  approaching an onramp. There is a wall of cars blocking the path of any would-be merger. As that very thought crosses my mind, I see a car round the corner of the on-ramp and start its final run….In an effort to avoid the inevitable break-check that is about to occur (many Southern Californian drivers have extreme issues with merging), I put my signal on, check for traffic, and move to the next lane over.

In the next lane, I notice that the line of cars in the slow lane is longer than I anticipated. Realizing that the merging car will cause many of these cars to spill over into the lane I was now in, I put my signal on, check for traffic, and begin to merge into the next lane…

Here’s where things get interesting…as I start my merge, I notice a silver SUV at least 200 yards behind me coming up a little fast, but with plenty of room to move into the next lane over (completely free of traffic). Well evidently, my turn signal is causing quite an issue for this malicious Mercedes because like a moth to a flame, it tracks right up on my back bumper.

Wait…what’s this? flashing headlights? Oh, how original - I guess if we were in Germany, outside of Stuttgart, those flashing headlights might evoke a reaction. So now she makes an abrupt lane change to the left (with no signal, mind you) and stomps the gas. I think I hear the distinct whine of the entry-level M-”No”Class horn! What an honor…why to have such a noble car honk in my honor after a hard day’s work truly inspires me! Hey - this is no ordinary sound of the horn this is a symphony of delightful notes clearly meant for only the finest of European opera houses…The No-Class is beside me now, and I am being treated to what can only be explained as a convulsive display of dance. It’s humorous actually, I want to laugh, but I dare not make light of this extremely important person’s plight..for any delay in their trip home may result in a 30-second delay in their trip to Baja Fresh (beacause they are, no doubt, a connoisseur of the finest dining - the owners of an M-Class and all).

As she is speeding ahead, I note her license plate “EVEMYLV” and realize there is a very good chance I will see her again - small world this Orange County is… As I continue up the road, I try to grind the incident out of my teeth…a bad habit I must break! “EVEMYLV” -what a clear indicator of the level of spoiled, self-appointed entitled-to-the-world mentality I am dealing with here…she probably bought the car for herself.

I am now approaching my exit and the run-in with the No-Class is being replaced in the front of my mind with the “5-o’clock Funnies” courtesy 95.5 KLOS. I round the corner on the off-ramp and catch a glimpse of silver disapearing around the corner ahead - could it be?

As I turn right off the exit, I see the No-Class proceeding up the street about 1/4 mile ahead of me….can you believe it?!?!? Strange how these idiots think that their rude behavior somehow time warps them away…Why is it that they never think about the possibility of pissing-off someone on their own street - right, sorry - forgive me - I can’t believe I would suggest that people in Orange County don’t know or care about their neighbors…silly me! Ok…back to story - I notice I am now slowly gaining on the No-Class due to the traffic and signals. Perhpas at the next light I will end up right behind this unlikable fool. Well, well - another signal is just ahead and I can see that the No-Class is just ahead of me in the same lane. I come to a stop directly behind  this spreader of foul civic etiquette.

The light turns green and we are now heading in the same direction. She has to be convinced that I am following her - when in actuallity, we are heading in the same direction by sheer coincidence (or perhaps it is Karma?)…traffic is slowing now and I move into the next lane. I pull up beside our Model Moron and give a short blast of my horn to get her attention. She is looking over at me now - I address her with a stern “traffic-cop” like point and then promptly applaud her with a proper salute. Nothing dramatic or drawn-out here - just a pointed attempt to let her know her performance did not go unnoticed.

Eve, lighten-up and let-go your inner angers….life is short - exponentially shorter when you combine foolish driving habits with what is no doubt what some would call “intermitten explosive disorder”...

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